A postgraduate from Bristol met a girl on Tinder, they went for a meal at Nandos and then back to his place for some wine and to watch a Louis Theroux documentary on Scientology.
The evening ended with the postgraduate, Liam, setting up a go-fund me page so he could cover the cost of the damages incurred when the date went wrong. You can read Liam’s story by clicking here. It was too good an opportunity for me to pass up so I wrote this poem which I have, as usual, recorded for those of you who would rather listen to poetry than read it.
All that remains for me to say is thanks to Liam and his good sport date (Jane Doe) for sharing their very amusing misadventure, as well as to wish both of them the very best of luck.
Young Liam was a clever bloke, academically he excelled
He went to university and did very very well
He wanted female company so he used the tinder app
And met a girl whose preference was a hairy, bearded chap.
We’ll call the girl Jane Doe for now, to keep her anonymous
Revealing her true name to all would be cruel and rather callous.
So Liam and Jane chose Nandos as the place for their first date
They synchronised their watches and agreed to meet at eight.
Bang on time the two arrived and both liked what they saw
Jane smiled in appreciation when Liam held the door
“I’ll have wings”, said Jane to him, and he chose chicken thighs
And both of them had spicy chips and coleslaw for their sides.
Everything went swimmingly, they cut right to the chase
And when their meal was finished they set off for his place
They drank some wine and watched a film; a documentary
Louis Theroux : Director; Subject : Scientology.
One hour of the movie’d passed when Jane said, “Liam dear,
Please will you pause the video, I need the loo I fear”.
“Gladly Jane”, he said to her, no need to ask me twice.
I’ll soon be back”, she said to him, “more wine would be so nice”.
Jane’s stomach was quite bloated now from chicken, chips and wine
She sat down on the lavatory just in the nick of time.
With huge relief she let it out, Liam had no clue
That she was really in there for a great big number two.
A sense of dread came over her as she realised
That this was not a normal poo – it was more than twice the size
It stretched her bum, it made her sweat, it made her squeak with pain
But finally the job was done and she could breathe again.
She flushed the loo and sprayed the room with a spray that smelt of apple
Then noticed that her turd still lurked like a misshapen frightened turtle
She flushed again and then again but that bodger wouldn’t budge
And that’s when Janey’s brain switched off and turned itself to fudge.
Now Liam was a bachelor so Janey could not find
The plunger every loo should have; her panic made her blind.
She racked her brain in terror and wondered what to do
“I cannot leave it sitting there or he will see my poo!”
“I know”, she then thought to herself, “I have a cunning plan,
I’ll throw it out the window”, and reached into the pan.
She eased the bobbing jobby into wadded toilet roll
Then, moving very carefully she lifted it out whole.
Gingerly she carried it across the little room
To the fan-light window she erroneously assumed,
Opened to the outside world so she could safely toss it
That stinky, stubborn chocolate log, that malodorous arse-biscuit.
Standing on her tippy toes she reached up to the top
She flicked her wrist and, with relief, she let the parcel drop.
The feeling when it left her hand was one of great relief
That lasted only fleetingly for to her disbelief
It hit the neighbour’s window cill, the one she had not seen
And landed in a messy heap in the no-man’s land between
It sat there on the window cill for everyone to view
There may as well have been a sign saying “I am Janey’s Poo.”
She stared in horror at the crud that Liam had to know
She had put there; without doubt, there was nowhere else to go.
So common sense at last kicked in and made her realise
There was only one thing she could do, her mouth went very dry.
Liam’s face, when she got back, was relaxed and very calm
She went and sat back next to him and gently stroked his arm
“Liam dear”, she softly said, her heart was all a flutter
“I have to tell you something now, please don’t think that I’m a nutter!”
But Liam said, “Oh Jane my dear, you do not have to fret
I feel I’ve known you ages, so it’s not like we’ve just met.”
He looked into her soulful eyes, his heart thumped in his chest
He knew something was badly wrong; she seemed extremely stressed.
“You know I left to do a wee, just now?” she said to him
“Yes”, he said, “of course I do, I’m really not that dim”.
“Well dear”, she said, “I cannot lie, that’s not entirely true,
I did a wee, yes indeed, but I also did a poo.”
At first our Liam looked at her and thought she had been right
“Total loony” came to mind, and so did “not too bright!”
But then he saw the stricken look, the fear inside her eyes
“What is it Jane?” he gently asked, avuncular and wise.
So Janey told her woeful tale, holding nothing back
Describing every painful step that took her down the track
Starting from the time she saw that floater wouldn’t flush
And ending with her cunning plan to throw it in the bush.
Our Liam was a likely lad, not very quick to judge
He said “hey don’t you worry babe” and gave her ribs a nudge.
“Let’s go and see what can be done to fix this little mess”
And took her gently by the hand to alleviate her stress
What Liam saw there on the cill, shocked him to the core
The poo was so much bigger than ones he’d seen before
But secretly he was impressed that such a little lass
Had somehow managed to produce that giant ugly mass
Liam, being practical, and good with D I Y
Said, “wait here babe, I’ll be right back, on me you can rely
I’ll go and fetch a hammer and I’ll break the toughened glass”
Inside he was still wondering how that thing came from her arse.
But Janey, feeling bad enough, for doing what she’d done
Said, “I am quite a gymnast, I learned the art for fun.
How about you hold my legs and lower me inside
I’ll pass the poo back up to you, we won’t know till we’ve tried”.
Liam knew to break the glass would cost him lots of loot
“Ahh haa”, he thought, “she does have brains as well as being cute.”
“Alright”, he said, so that is what the two of them agreed
And everything went swimmingly until she’d done the deed.
Alas the plan was slightly flawed; they had not realised
That going out was easier than getting back inside.
He tugged and pulled and strained and heaved to get poor Janey out
But finally he had to say, “I’m totally worn out”
The Bristol Fire crew took his call and got there quick as quick
Fortunately, at that late hour, there was not a lot of traffic
Liam met the burly lads and led them up the stairs
He told them what had happened and their laughter turned to tears.
“Oh dear oh dear, this is a mess” one fireman opined.
“You’ve gone and got yourself into a rather awful bind”.
Janey’s muffled answer brought them once more to their knees
“No shit Sherlock,” she had said, “now get me out boys, please!”
© Delta Bravo 7.9.2017